Google vs. Topeka

Google Buys the Universe for $2 Trillion

Addressing Customer Wishes for Google to Expand Into New Markets, Google Steps Up to the Plate

MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. - January 1, 2008 – “The Milky Way Galaxy is our home and we intend to keep it that way,” says Google CEO Dr. Eric Schmidt. Google Founders agree, stating that the point is to start with our home galaxy before branching out into neighboring star belts. “The customer base is literally limitless.”

“At Google, we’re used to exponential growth to match our namesake, googol,” Sergey Brin said. “We went from Larry Page and I to over 15,000 employees in just eight years. Scaling up comes naturally to us along with good stewardship.”

Guiding the development of the universe played a part in the purchase as well. Caring for the universe goes hand-in-hand with the goal to save the planet Earth from environmental destruction. We can no longer depend on governments alone to do the right thing when it comes to the safety of the world. Google’s philosophy is to save it now.

According to Google.org’s energy expert, Dan Reicher, “talk about your economy of scale.” Reicher goes on to say he believes the purchase will be followed by more gargantuan efforts by Google to save the known and unknown worlds.

If we knew what else was out there, we’d try and save it as well. That’s the sentiment of the recognized “Father of the Internet,” Vinton Cerf. “It just made sense for the industry leader and the world leader in useful technology to take it to the next level—the heavens.”

If you listen to your customers and hand the project to an ambitious computer geek, things come together pretty fast. Like getting approval from federal regulators. “Once the FTC examined the parameters and benefits of the universe’s purchase, they gave it a green thumbs up,” says David Drummond, Senior VP and Google’s top lawyer.

Shona Brown states that Google didn’t have set plans to expand on such a mega level.

“But once the opportunity came up, we knew it was the right move,” says Brown, who oversees business operations for Google.

Responding to critics afraid that Google Ads will fill the heavens, Google’s VP of Global Online Sales, Sheryl Sandberg responded, “You’re not going to see ads on the Moon.”

Those interested in learning more about the Milky Way Galaxy, visit http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Milky_Way

About Google Inc.

Google's innovative search technologies connect millions of people around the globe every second of every day. Founded in 1998 by Stanford Ph.D. students Larry Page and Sergey Brin, Google is a top web property in all major and minor galaxies. Google's targeted advertising program, the largest and fastest growing ever, provides businesses of all sizes with measurable results, while enhancing the overall web experience for googlers everywhere. Google is headquartered in Silicon Valley with offices throughout the universe. For more information, visit www.google.com.

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Google is a trademark of Google Inc. All other company and product names may be trademarks of the respective companies with which they are associated.

Chicken Charlie

Last night as my head was in the toilet and my guts were in the bowl, I thought maybe it was a sign that I shouldn't be in the kitchen preparing meals but should limit my visits to getting a cold Coke out of the fridge. It was the first time that I'd cooked for friends in a long time (and that was an accident involving a surprise visit). I hate cooking b/c I'm not good at it. There are lots of skills that I master, but cooking has never been one of them. Chef's are considered artists, but we're supposed to pick up a sauce pan and, with no training or calling, make meals.

The recipe is from "Summer Express: 101 Simple Meals Ready in 10 Minutes or Less," that was in the The New York Times. It's fried chicken strip sandwiches. Easy peasy. But cooking makes me nervous. I don't trust food and am terrified of raw chicken and I'm sure that everything is spoiled. How many fights have I had shoving a milk carton under my partner's nose saying, "Smell that. It's bad."

I had even practiced the meal on my parents over labor day. I called the dish "Chicken Charlie" b/c, while we prepared the sandwiches, my mom was telling a story of when she and my dad were looking for the Mickey Mantle sports bar in Boston. They came to the address on the Google map and my mother read the signature on the bar's sign as "Chicken Charlie" and asked my dad, "Why would they put another sports bar right here next to Mickey Mantle's?" She bought commemorative cups with Mickey's signature on them and asks everyone, "What does that say?"

"Mickey Mantle."

Chicken Charlie went fine at my folks', but that was with my mom handling the chicken, cutting out a nasty looking tendon from the strips that she says makes them tough. I just dredged the strips in flour and plopped them in hot oil. Even with a splash guard, I got smacked a lot. Between the sputtering oil and my "Ouching" and "Damning," it was loud food prep much like in a professional kitchen. I've seen cooking shows. So, I made the chicken sandwiches for friends last night. I tried to take the tendons out but, between touching the chicken and the dull knife I was using, I pocked my finger. It didn't break the skin and no blood was drawn but I was so freaked out about what COULD have happened that I fried them tendons and all.

Everything went well. Chicken Charlie was a hit.

Then, I woke in the night feeling queasy. I tried to open a box of Alka-Seltzer but it was too late. Hello toilet bowl. I was sure I'd killed our house guests that, hours earlier, were laughing and enjoying what little time they had left in life at my kitchen table.

My partner found me passed out this morning under the toilet bowl covered with bath towels, hand towels, small rugs and wash clothes. (I was cold. They were near by.) My partner called our dinner guests and they're fine. It turns out that I was right. Cooking makes me violently ill. Told you.